It’s been a very long time since I’ve last written anything new about myself. Since my last entry, I’ve experienced my darkest hour, and my happiest. I’ve experienced the utter despair of being alone, and the joy of being united together with hundreds of thousands. And I feel it’s about time I say some things that have been left unspoken for far too long.
I’m sick of this being alone thing. I’ve been alone for essentially my whole life. I’ve had many a time where family and friends have turned their backs on me, betrayed me, or simply ignored me. The hardest part is knowing it’s not entirely their fault. I’m definitely not the most sociable, or friendly person. It takes a long time to crack through that shell I’m hiding in to get to really know me. Unless you catch me at a vulnerable moment. And it hurts like a son of a bitch when I see what I’ve never had, and at this rate, never will have, laid before my eyes. A constant painful reminder of the void in my life I’ve never filled.
So far I’ve only told one person this, but now that I repeat it here, the whole world will be able to find out about it. There came a time not long ago where had I gone straight home from work, I wouldn’t have seen the sun rise again the next day. Instead of going home, I went to the VA hospital in a last ditch effort. If there was any sort of hope left in me, it resided within those ancient walls. That hope is what is currently driving me forward to September when I finally begin psychiatric treatment for this depression. Because it’s literally working it’s hardest to kill me. It has driven me from my family. It’s slowly driving me away from my closest friends. After that, there’s just people I know and people I work with. I basically have nothing left if I let it continue to tear my life apart.
It’s a scary thought that I’m left alone with my thoughts so often, and they’re the things threatening to keep me alone forever. The funny thing is, who would want to spend time with someone so close to the edge like this without getting weirded out? It’s a vicious cycle that I certainly can’t see an exit to. So all I’m left to do with myself is write these things on my phone because I don’t have anyone to talk to. Hello world, nice to see you. Wish you had something to say to me because 26 years of being alone sure takes its toll on you.
Now that I’ve written that much, I’m not sure what else there is left to say. I know there’s more left to tell, but I guess this will do for now.